Yohji was never very good at hiding his emotions, especially not the ones he felt most keenly and certainly not from Aya. Although he was now Ryo, this had obviously not changed. Aya watched the man’s reaction to his words, saw the realization of the truth they held, saw the shock settle on his handsome features.
Ryo drew in a shaky breath and let it out in an equally shaky sigh.
“I wanted to forget you?” The horror of this thought was evident.
Of its own accord, Aya’s hand rose to caress Ryo’s cheek, attempting to bring some kind of comfort to him.
“I know I keep saying this, but it was complicated. There was more than you and I at that point. You were hurting in ways I could not heal. I don’t believe, now, that you were trying to forget me. You wanted to stop hurting and escaping the past appeared to you to be the only option at the time.”
Ryo stilled at the touch, eyes widening slightly as he stared back at Aya.
“I’m sorry,” he finally murmured, bending down to place a kiss on Aya’s lips before quickly retreating. “Is it too late to ask you to forgive me?”
“Is that what you want?” Aya asked softly, sliding his hand down to Ryo’s chest and pushing him back a step, giving himself room to stand. “Is that why you came here? For absolution? Very well, you have my forgiveness. You can go on with your life now.”
Ryo intercepted Aya as he walked toward the door, a hand on his shoulder. “No, please, that’s not it at all. I want to remember, not forgive and forget. If it’s about the kiss, I’m sorry, but I wanted to kiss you. You don’t understand, Aya. I’ve thought about kissing you for more than a year. My dreams were about you – they still are. My first memories were about you – you and this woman whose name I have yet to remember. Does that sound like a man who really wanted to forget you?”
“I should go. I shouldn’t have come here in the first place. I shouldn’t have sent those fucking flowers and that card. I did it because…” Aya cut himself off with a shake his head, turning around to face Ryo, anger and something much deeper naked upon his face.
“Do you know how hard it’s been for me? All I’ve had for the last few years were memories of you for company. There hasn’t been anyone else. Not for lack of interest from others either. The fact is, plain and simple, that I didn’t want anyone else but you. You, who didn’t remember I even existed. You, who met and married the first woman you became involved with after the accident. You talk about being left alone, about being uncared for? Take a moment to look at it all from my point of view, you selfish bastard.”
Aya pushed Ryo’s hand off his shoulder and reached for the door knob, intent on getting out of that room as fast as possible. When the door was slammed shut the moment he’d opened it, he was decidedly not pleased.
“Let me go. Now.”
“No.”
He could feel Ryo against his back, catching him between his body and the door.
“Please, Aya. Don’t go. You’re right and I’m sorry. I’ve only been thinking of myself in all this. As I saw it, you made all the choices and I didn’t get a say in anything. You’ve been trying to tell me, repeatedly, that it was more complex than that, but I wasn’t listening. Please give me another chance.”
“What do you want from me?” Aya’s hand fell away from the door. “Why did you come here?”
“You. I want you.” Ryo stepped back, hands raised in supplication. “I came here to find the person who sent the flowers and that person is you.”
Aya sighed. He was nearing his emotional limits. “You don’t know me, Ryo and I don’t know you. To you, I’m a fragment of a memory and to me, you’re the physical reminder of someone who was important to me. As you said earlier, you’re not Yohji.”
Ryo echoed his sigh. “And you think that means I want to remain as Ryo? Maybe I can’t go back to being completely Yohji, but I’d like to think that Ryo was a facet of him, not a separate piece.”
“There are things I might not ever be able to tell you and as I said, there are others involved in this who deserve to know you’re starting to remember.”
“Then, whoever they are, tell them. Ask them. If you can’t tell me, then I’ll try to figure it out on my own if I can. I’m not asking you to spoon feed my past back to me, Aya, I’m only asking you to be a part of my immediate future while I try to reclaim my past.”
“I’m not sure I can do that, Ryo.” Aya leaned against the door, arms folded over his chest.
“Why? Because I hurt you so badly before? Gods, Aya, if I could take back anything it would be that. Yohji was a fool to ever consider giving you up and I think he’d agree with me. If you’ll just give me a chance to prove it to you, I promise…”
Aya held up his hand; Ryo stopped talking. “Stop jumping to conclusions. I’m not sure I can simply for the reason that I have a life of my own now as well. Having you come back into said life regardless of how much I may want you as a part of it, may not be feasible. There are others I need to discuss this with, do you understand that?”
Much to Aya’s sudden amusement, Ryo appeared suitably chastised. He was puzzled by the idea of Aya having to ask anyone’s permission, but he merely nodded and left it at that for which Aya was grateful.
“Now then, why don’t you order us some tea and I’ll look through your sketchbook, if I may? I suspect I will be able to recognize images that you do not.”
He waited for Ryo to give his consent before returning to his seat on the bed and picking up the book. As he slowly leafed through the drawings, Aya wondered exactly what he was going to say to the others.